Tuesday, March 29, 2011

You must feed the ants

It has been a while since I wanted to burst out laughing, impolitely, in someone's face. But that is what nearly happened when I consulted an astrologist and he said, very seriously, "You must feed the ants." The backstory is that my friend had some burning questions she wanted answered, so when an astrologist came to her business, she took it as a sign that she should visit this wise, knowing man (with a computer program) and find some answers. I decided to tag along, because when else was I going to go to a "legitimate" astrologist for $3?

When I entered the room, Sukhminder, who is also a t.v. newscaster (somehow this makes complete sense), sat calmly at his desk, surrounded by stones, a slightly eery picture of his deceased mother and a large poster of the planets at his back. Every finger was adorned with a ring presumed to hold some significance, and his neck cradled several golden chain necklaces with stones embedded in them. An orange smudge dotted his forehead and when he leaned over, he provided a clear view of his receding hairline.

I then gave Sukhminder my name, date of birth, place of birth and approximate time of birth and he entered this all into his computer. There was no smoke or wizadry, just a Dell laptop and letterhead with Sukhminder's black and white photo on the top, in which he's wearing sunglasses that make him look like he missed the Men in Black casting call. 

There's some good news and bad news. The bad news is that I will encounter a lot of expenditures until May 12, 2011. To counter this, I should feed the ants til choti (some mixture of something). And I should not feed the dozens of ants that march regularly across my kitchen counter, but I should go to a nearby tree and feed these ants. Apparently, my relationships are supposed to be giving me difficulty right now. This will all improve on August 8, 2011. But in the meantime, I can feed black grams to the poor people every Saturday. And to improve my work situation, I can feed biscuits to two dogs a day. Lastly, I should feed the birds a mixture of corn, barley, rice and green pulses, but I might skip this one because I can't remember what it is for. Maybe it's for my marriage...which is supposed to happen between May 9, 2012 and October 9, 2013...so if you're single, watch out, because I may be on the prowl.

No comments:

Post a Comment